Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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