my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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