Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
