apparently the secret to your success is patron
you would pick up someone in the library
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
