He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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