Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
