Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
