sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
