Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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