I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
