she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
