Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
We have so much sex to catch up on
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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