Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
