I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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