Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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