fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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