I can feel you judging me through the phone.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
