The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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