i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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