When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
