I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
