she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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