So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
