Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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