i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
