You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
