i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
