im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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