Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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