I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
