Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
