haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
