I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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