I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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