The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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