Will you blow on my dice?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
