i think my mom watched the whole time
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
