Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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