remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
