I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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