see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.