It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
