There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
