So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
