Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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