I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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