omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
