why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
