You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
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Clothes are such an inconvenience.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
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Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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