So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
what day is it and did you see me today?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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