i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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