i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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