so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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