Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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