i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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