He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
