U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
