Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
