Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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