I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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