The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
