I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
